Comparison is the thief of Joy

A Field of Flowers

Does a flower in a field say to the other, "Hey not fair that you are taller than me, you are more purple than me, your petals are bigger than mine?" No. The flower is concerned on its own growth, working every day to nurture itself and when its time to bloom, the flower is proud of the individual beauty it brings to the field.

What is one of the biggest instigators of discouragement? I believe that is is comparison. You see, comparison is sneaky. It dresses itself up as "being informed", and "I'm normalizing". In reality, comparison is a thief with a sword behind its back, ready to cut you at the knees when you invite it in the door.

Why do we compare?

In reality, we compare ourselves to others because we are trained to do it. Capitalism. What is that company doing that we are not? What can we do to improve and do better?

Or have you ever caught yourself saying this one, "Jake, do you see how your sister eats her cereal with the spoon, you do it just like that."

In schools we often check our test scores against others to see if we really didn't know the material, or if the teacher really didn't teach it well.

So is comparison really bad?

Depends. Comparison is much like judgement, when used correctly it can be a helpful tool. We know we shouldn't judge others, right? One of my favorite quotes in my book is this, “So often people are labeled as a whole based on a singular event. A first impression label, that even in its entirety could never be accurate.”

This is what happens when we judge people. You've caught yourself doing it. Come on. What about that lady at the airport who seems peevish waiting behind you and when she got up to get her shoes, she shoved passed you? What a jerk! Right? Or that person who took your parking spot even though you clearly signaled? You had a nice curse word reserved for them. But really, you can't judge them. You don't know why that woman at the airport acted that way. Maybe she was on her way home because she just found out her husband is filing for a divorce. And that person who cut you off, well maybe they are late for work. So judging a person as a "jerk" or "reserved curse word" isn't really accurate, is it? They probably aren't a jerk most of the time, maybe they had a jerk moment.

We know not to judge others, so is it ever okay to judge? Certainly, but we don't judge people; we judge circumstances.

Your friend hangs out at a bar that makes you feel uncomfortable. Saying no to your friend is not a judgement towards them, it's a judgement towards the circumstance.

Okay, Cierra, where are you going with this? — Be patient, young padawan, the lesson is in the details.

Remember what I said about comparison coming as a thief with a sword? That is because comparison tries to mascaraed as its better counterpart "progression". Progression defined is a movement towards a goal or to a further or higher stage. When we are looking to progress, we are looking for qualities and attributes that we would like to add to our wardrobe of what we want to be when we grow up.

What does comparison look verses progression?

Aw, the question of the hour! The part some of you skipped right to because it appeared as I wrote too many words. You've made it to the delicious ganache ooze of the chocolate truffle.

You are sitting across a mom at the park and you notice that when her child screams for the millionth time "I wanna go home!" that she calmly squats down, looks her child in the eyes and acknowledges that she heard them and they will go home. You squint, a little irritated because there is no way on God's green earth you would have responded that way. But here is an important observation — do you feel irritated because you feel her response verses how you would respond somehow disqualifies you as a "good mom"?Because if it does, then you are comparing yourself to her, my friend.

Now, you could take this moment and use it for progression. Ask yourself, is that calm, collected response something that I would like to add to my wardrobe? Do I aspire to behave like that as a mother? If your response is yes, then you simply need to make a plan on how to implement that change.

But notice one is laced with irritation, while the other is a mere observation. See the difference?

Comparison breed discouragement and discontent, while progression invokes a change in an fortifying way.

One says, "I suck as a mom, I could never act like that. I'm unworthy." The other says "I strive to be a calmer mom, and I will be patient with myself in the journey to get there."

Be free, little flower.

Let's go back to the field of flowers. Did you know hydrangeas change the color of their flowers based on the acidity of the soil? Yep. So would it really be fair if the purple flower said to the pink one, why can't I be more like you when they aren't planted in the same conditions? You likewise have a much different experience in life than Natalie over there. Comparing yourself to her simply is not fair. It's not fair to her, and it certainly is not doing any good for you.

So be free, my little flower. Be your own unique blossom in the field. Be grateful for who you are. Count your strengths. And most importantly, be gentle and kind to yourself in the areas where you need growth. You'll get there.

Much love.

Cierra

Photo credit: Emily Staker